Ground: Tottenham, White Hart Lane
Competition: Barclay’s Premiership 2013/14
Result: Spurs 3-1 Fulham
Pie: Chicken Balti
Comments: “To be (relegated), or not to be (relegated)?” That is the question Prince Hamlet was pondering in the rotten state of Denmark all those fictional years ago. While he was probably an Aalborg fan, he could have easily been a poor, miserable sufferer of Fulham’s 2013/14 season wondering if relegation is that bad after all. Just as the appeal of losing at Arsenal or Chelsea every season wanes, the thought of having to visit culture hotspots of Wolves and Millwall doesn’t exactly entice me. Yet, after a pie at Spurs it seems like being beaten to death with a programme at The Den doesn’t seem to depressing.
The dreamy illusion that a separate pie counter and a puff pastry topping would make for a relegation busting balti pie was quickly shattered when I discovered a large pile of sawdust at the bottom of the barrel. Like a turd wrapped in joyous Christmas paper, this balti hid a horrific nightmare in its base. So burnt I thought Steve McQueen and Paul Newman were going to come a rescue me from its molten horror at one point. Dry, tasteless and cancerous I couldn’t face finishing it, seeing as it probably would have finished me off first.
While it tasted abysmal, one of the worst yet, it probably could have defended Hamlet compatriot Christian Eriksen’s deliveries better than Fulham’s hapless heap. Bring on Millwall and relegation if just so I don’t have to see this abomination of pie again.