Ground: Hillsborough, Sheffield Wednesday
Competition: Sky Bet Championship 2014/15
Result: Sheffield Wednesday 1-1 Fulham
Pie: Chicken Balti
Price: £3.00
Comments:  On the 1979 song ‘Jumping Someone Else’s Train’ by The Cure, perpetual bad hair day Robert Smith wails “Everyone’s happy/They’re finally all the same/’cause everyone’s jumping/Everyone else’s train”. For all we know, maybe Smith was lamenting the fact that every ground in the Football League is content with recycling the same bloody pies. Boys don’t cry but I was certainly reduced to a withering sigh when I spied another Phukka Pie in Hillsborough’s decadent concourse. I’d had enough, no more generic Pukka. This was my great stand, my purposeful protest to validate my existence. I’ll chain myself to that hapless clutz Fernando Amorebieta’s legs until all Championship clubs agree to manufacturer/bake their own pies. At least it would stop Amorebieta from playing, good enough.

Alas, ideas of a big protest movement were quickly booted in to touch when I realised I hadn’t eaten for about 8 hours, basically a hunger strike. So I cursed under my breath at those dastardly corporate bigwigs at Pukka and tucked into another one of their predictable pastries.

Hillsborough’s Balti was unsettling in texture. The malleable lump in my hand could easily have been mistaken for playdough in the hands of someone with lesser eyesight, like Stevie Wonder or Blythe in The Great Escape. This contorted, shapeless mass before me had to be wolfed down on account of my pangs of hunger. For once I was relieved to find the pie to be a similar temperature to a cup of tea neglected for 15 minutes. Though there’s a fork in shot, it was merely for aesthetic photo purposes. Instead I shoveled and devoured the doughy load with all the glee of Hannibal Lecter at a minds of Mensa meeting.  Was the pie actually tasty I hear you chant? Not bad, adequate, mediocre, alright, ordinary etc.

Pukka never really let you down, but then again they never really excite either. Can they at least bring out a new flavour pie? Marmite and Moose? Pigeon and Gorgonzola? Anything rather than the generic Balti/Steak/Cheese tripartite. I shouldn’t really get my hopes up, just look at Fulham. While The Cure were moaning 25 years ago, Fulham were being relegated during the 79/80 season. It’s 2015 and Fulham are still utterly rubbish and facing relegation. And the world turns, joy.

Rating: 5/10