Ground: John Smith Stadium, Huddersfield Town
Competition: Sky Bet Championship 2014/15
Result: Huddersfield Town 0-2 Fulham
Pie: Chicken Balti
Comments: Despite Fulham sliding down the table quicker than Oliver Reed at a free bar, the omens for a decent result looked strangely good. Firstly, I was at the John Smith Stadium. I’m John Smith, surely I couldn’t lose in my own ground? Secondly, I’d seen morose Mancunian wordsmith Morrissey, my own personal gladioli waving hero, the night before in Leeds. Last time I saw Mozza wailing Meat is Murder was way back in December, when not only did Fulham win, but I had a terrific pulled pork pie at Brighton. Sorry Morrissey, but it was some damn fine swine.
Earlier in the week Fulham somehow lost 3-o to Leeds despite having 27 shots. Either that was seriously unlucky or all the Fulham team had their boots on the wrong feet. In a peculiar turn of events, or just that the players had their boots on the right feet this time, Fulham beat Huddersfield 2-0. To call the result an upset would be like calling Charles Manson mischievous. Huddersfield had 31 shots and missed two penalties, while Fulham had a player sent off. Against all the odds Fulham scored a flukey opener directly from a corner and added a totally undeserved second at the end through Seko Fofana, a man whose legs flail rather than move. Cue mass hysteria and celebrations in the away end.
One thing that wasn’t a surprise was the fact my Balti pie was craappp. From the outside it resembled Sloth from the Goonies, mainly due to the fact it was just so uneven and out of proportion. Strange crater like divots spoiled the top, while the circular rim weaved up and down without ever threatening to replicate a succinct pattern. Adding to the ambiance of disjointed asymmetry was the battered foil casing that housed this deformed pastry. Once perforated, the pastry shell sagged pathetically revealing an orange clod of balti chunks. Luke warm and little more than adequate, it typified the bare minimum to expect from a pie. Thankfully I’d had a Wagamama’s beforehand meaning I wasn’t overly reliant on this pie coming up trumps thank god.
This deeply unimpressive pie couldn’t replicate Fulham’s endeavor on the day and produce a decent result against the odds. If nothing else, the win at Huddersfield scientifically proved that there’s a positive correlation between seeing Morrissey and Fulham winning. Let’s just hope he’s got a 46 date UK tour running from August to May next year…